Article written

Hair on a man’s chest 0

Dear Bradshaw,

Alberta arrived, plopped a book on the desk, sat down, and then pulled her vocabulary folder out of her bag. The book was Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol. I’ve read only one Dan Brown book, The Da Vinci Code, which I found poorly written and with too many dilemmas resolved by a deus ex machina.

When I asked Alberta what she thought of The Lost Symbol, she said, “Incredible. Really fantastic.”

I had heard that Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons was better than The Da Vinci Code so, curious to know how The Lost Symbol compared, I asked, “And The Da Vinci Code? Have you read that?”

“Oh yes,” she said, nodding her head with glowing eyes. “I loved it!”

“Which book is better? The Lost Symbol or The Da Vinci Code?”

“Definitely The Da Vinci Code.”

“So The Lost Symbol is incredible but The Da Vinci Code is more than incredible?”

“Oh yes.”

A car alarm started blasting from the street below.

“Why is The Da Vinci Code so much better?” I asked.

Alberta placed both her hands on the desk and leaned forward. “Because it’s full of truth and information.”

“Truth? Information? For example?”

“Well, for one thing, Mary Magdalene wasn’t a prostitute.”

“She wasn’t? This is a fact? Doesn’t the Bible suggest that she was a prostitute?”

“Yes, it does, but she wasn’t. Dan Brown makes it clear that she was Jesus’ girlfriend.”

Intrigued, and with another 55 minutes left in the lesson, I asked, “I’m not saying the Bible’s right and Dan Brown’s wrong, but I’m curious what evidence Dan Brown has that debunks the Bible?”

Alberta’s right eye squinted as the left one widened. “Debunks?”

“I’m sorry. ‘Debunk’ means to disprove or contradict.”

Nodding her head, Alberta said, “Okay, for one thing, in Leonardo da Vinci’s painting, The Last Supper, the person behind Jesus’ shoulder couldn’t have been a man because she had long hair. Men back then didn’t have long hair. So it had to be a woman.”

“But isn’t that just an artist’s rendition? And besides, Da Vinci painted that image over a thousand years after the Bible was written. Not to mention the fact that, even if it is a woman in Da Vinci’s painting, where’s the proof that she was Jesus’ girlfriend?”

“She’s definitely his girlfriend. Dan Brown says so. Mary Magdalene was his girlfriend.”

Now I heard an ambulance screaming down the street, which was unusual because my school’s neighborhood is isolated and I rarely hear sirens while working.

“I’m confused,” I said. “Is The Da Vinci Code a work of fiction or non-fiction?”

“Both.” Alberta scooted her chair back and then crossed her legs. “Dan Brown studied religion, history, and art, gathering evidence and facts before writing The Da Vinci Code.”

As you can imagine, Shaw, a conversation like this puts hair on a man’s chest, and then plucks the hair out. The fact that Alberta (a 30-year old woman) accepts Dan Brown as an authority on religion is numbing, and also helps explain why the world is the way it is. If people who live and vote and procreate take Dan Brown’s word as gospel, well, that leaves only one solution for me: sell everything (clothing included), move to a remote island, and survive off coconuts and spring water for the rest of my life. Heck, I could even paint my own picture of The Last Supper, though in my rendition Jesus would be shaking his head in exasperation with a caption that reads, “You gotta be kidding me!”

47 people like this post.

subscribe to comments RSS

There are no comments for this post

Please, feel free to post your own comment

* these are required fields

Scott Sussman is powered by WordPress and FREEmium Theme.