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Grooming the royal pets 0

Dear Bradshaw,

Today we be going to a wedding. The ceremony will take place in a church and the reception in a bona fide 13th century castle complete with moat and dungeon. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve been thinking about building my own castle and being king with subjects and servants and stuff but first I want to be sure the lifestyle suits me. You know how it is = king, castle, collecting taxes, drinking out of goblets, having feasts, and sentencing traitors to be tortured. That kind of life can grate on the nerves after the first few decades. Plus, there’s always the threat of revolt and having my head chopped off.

Personally, I prefer being a peasant. No responsibility. No stress. I can drink and insult people without starting wars or making the tabloids. I can fart and belch and drool without everybody getting bent out of shape for my lack of social etiquette.

Kings have to fulfill expectations, demands, and wear stiff clothes. Peasants can do as they please and wear whatever they want. Kings have to comb their hair and brush their beards. Peasants can piss in their pants and shit in their shoes and what difference does it make? Kings wear heavy crowns that chafe the skin around the scalp. Peasants wear straw hats that adorn their heads like lions’ manes. Kings have appointments, engagements, assemblies, conferences and all kinds of other business to attend to. Peasants have parties and celebrate birthdays. Kings are crazy kooks. Peasants are practical people.

Well, whatever the case, I’ll decide this evening (when we get to the castle) if I think I want to abandon my life as an English teacher and be a king. Wouldn’t that be something? Then you could say you know a sovereign and bring your friends to Italy to be the royal guests of your friend King Scott. Fear not, I won’t make you lick my boots or kiss my hand or dust my crown. But maybe you wouldn’t mind grooming the royal pets: an elephant, a giraffe, a walrus and a whale.

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