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Screaming for more 0

Dear Bradshaw,

            Do you know that Chinese proverb: It is impossible to know the results of your actions? It seems to me that if we knew the future, we could change it and, therefore, it would be impossible to see it, right? For example, if I knew that I was going to crash my car while driving home today, I would either not drive home, or else go a different way and then the future I had seen would not happen and so what was it that I had seen? Meanwhile, everyone else involved in the accident (other drivers, police officers and paramedics) would also have envisioned a future that didn’t occur.

            Maybe we can see the future but as it’s always in motion because people can alter it, it looks blurry and so we think we can’t see it. Like right now, if I imagine the future, I see a blur of black, white and gray like snow on a television screen. Is that it and can I change it like a channel?

            What if we could alter the past? What if I regretted having eaten grits with sauerkraut for breakfast this morning and could go back and eat toast instead? Is that possible? By altering an action in the past, I would undo the aftermath that resulted from that action and might even disappear because, heck, I could kill myself like that. Maybe eating grits with sauerkraut is the reason I’m still alive now because, had I poured myself a bowl of cereal, I’d have saved seconds, left earlier and crashed my car and died.

            I was invited to a party tonight and the thing is: I get up at four-fifteen in the morning. It’s difficult to enjoy myself at a party when I get up at four-fifteen because I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I get up so early. Go to the party or not? What if the girl of my dreams is at the party? What if I don’t go and therefore never meet the girl of my dreams and then die a lonely old fart? What if I go to the party, oversleep the next morning, arrive late to work, get fired and then end up sleeping in the gutter for the rest of my life? I might die a lonely old fart. The Chinese are right: It’s impossible to know the results of your actions.

            What’s new with you? How’re they treating you in there? Good? Bad? Ugly? Is it easier to stomach now that you’re falling into a routine? Are you adapting? Starting to like it in there? I’ll bet that by the end of your sentence you’ll want to stay and they’ll have to drag you out of there. You’ll be screaming for more. I’m sure of it.

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